While I had planned on getting a large chunk of writing done last night, my nephew had other ideas. And when an adorable, blonde 3-yr-old looks up at you with his big, bright blue eyes with a “Linsy, you want to come up to Mimi’s room and watch my show with me and we can watch it together?” while jumping up and down in excited anticipation…well, how can you possibly refuse that? Even heartless me who doesn’t want children, I am putty in my nephew’s tiny hands.
So, what, might you wonder, is his show? Oh, just the entire programming agenda for Nick, Jr. or whatever it’s called—“Linsy, channel 252!!”—which happened to be tuned into Dora the Explorer at that particular moment, with a short interruption from Blue’s Clues.
I’m sorry…have you ever actually watched an episode for either of those shows? I’m not talking about having it set up as background noise while it puts your children into a trance so they stop screaming at each other long enough for you to capture one sliver of peace in your hectic schedule. I mean, have you ever really sat down and actually paid attention to the dialogue?
I lasted about 10 seconds before I wished myself deaf.
I know it’s supposed to stimulate a child’s brain or something like that and my nephew was plenty stimulated—talking and dancing along throughout the entire show. I just…I really don’t remember shows being that annoying when I was little. I remember shows like Power Rangers, TMNT, Animaniacs, Fraggle Rock, Super Mario Bros., Bobby’s World, Tom and Jerry…shows that I would still tune into if I happened upon one of them now. I wouldn’t even be embarrassed. I totally own the fact that I still love the Power Rangers. Animaniacs? That shit was funny! What happened to shows like that? Shows like Beetlejuice? Bugs Bunny? Darkwing Duck? Rescue Rangers? Is anything like that still around?
Well, it wasn’t last night. I was stuck with Blue and Dora. But, you know what I found fascinating? The writing credits. If you asked me to hypothetically picture the writers’ room for Dora or Blue’s Clues or whatever else shows they have on that network, you know what first comes to mind? A group of college undergrads high on everything from weed to crack cocaine in a room full of hazy bong smoke and empty liquor bottles, laughing their asses off all the way to the bank where they cash their writing paychecks that each probably amount to more money than I make in a year.
I mean, really. They must be high on something, right? Seriously…how do parents watch that crap? Am I insensitive? Am I missing some obvious point? Momma, if you’re reading this and if you ever had to watch something like that while raising us, well, I’m sorry. So, so, sorry.
I had planned on recapping my recent girls night, but seriously, you try and concentrate with Dora in the background singing, “Backpack, Backpack, Backpack, Backpack. I’m the Backpack loaded up with things and knick knacks too. Backpack, Backpack. Backpack, Backpack. YEA!” (I did not make up that quote. That is a real quote pulled from the IMDb page for Dora the Explorer)
Now I will never be able to look at a backpack without breaking into song. Thank-you, Dora. From the bottom of my heart, thank-you.
Now, before I end my little rant, let’s play a quick game. It’s called would you rather. It’s a fun game I picked up from my favorite gossip blogger, Lainey. You have to pick one option, you can’t just say neither one. Also, “I’d rather die” is not an option, either. So, here it goes:
Would you rather…
…never be published
…or have your first writing credit be from an entire season of Blue’s Clues?
– lindsey archer